I cried for the whole night. I don’t know who I can turn to,so I’m here. Everything started off with me being so f-up like he said. I can’t put my feelings into words,I can’t describe how heart breaking I feel. 9th month and 21st month was a total disaster. I got my retribution. I lost a night’s sleep, crying away without a soul there to comfort me. Nobody understands this. They think I’m the strong girl. Who the hell even bothers to check if I’m crying every night,wetting my pillow again and again.
I feel so wrong to go into a relationship because all I gave him was agony. Not a single bit of happiness. After the quarrel he sent a text saying I was perfect to him,flawless like nobody’s business. I know who I am. I know what I am. That text wasn’t describing me at all. It’s just the flawless girl he mistook me for. That wasn’t what he really felt. The upper texts was how he really felt. The girl whom he described to be impatient, not caring, not loving. That’s me. Sometimes when people are angry, what they say are usually true. It’s just that they put it in a harsher way. And I got his point. My heart broke. That scar left will forever be in my heart. Just like the scar I earned during the 9th monthsary we spent together. It’s enough. 2 scars is enough. I was glad initially that it’s the holidays now and that this quarrel would not affect my studies. But now,I just wanna turn to books. I need to keep myself busy. I need to hide the weak side and show them that I’m perfectly okay. I need that image; to stop people from worrying.
I don’t know who I can turn to at this point of time. I need a shoulder to lean on. Someone to give me a kiss on the forehead and say I’ve done well. But that person must not be Jeremy. He’s perfectly normal after the quarrel. But I’m not. I cannot afford another massive quarrel, the kind of quarrel that would make me lose my sleep and wet my pillow, the kind that would give me another scar. How the hell do I put my feelings into words. The agony I’m facing. I want to cry but I can’t. I need to pretend, that I’m happy, that nothing’s gonna affect me.
His text was..hurtful.But everything was describing the real me. He wasn’t deceiving himself, he knew,that was me. He knew his text was hurtful but he sent it anyway because he felt that I should know. And I know I shouldn’t be crying anymore. I need a solution. I need to become the flawless girl he’s looking for. I’m heart broken because that girl he wants wasn’t me initially. I’m not flawless. He got it all mixed up.
When I’m out here typing this,there I am crying again. Look how weak Weiting is. I gotta move on.
